Where would you say your anorexia started?
My perfectionism continued to manifest itself in various ways; ultimately, it culminated in a 6 year struggle with anorexia and bulimia. It was my freshman year in college where I was taking 21 hours in addition to involvement in a show group that traveled throughout the Southeast. Combining the effects of a stringent schedule, unreasonable expectations and a legalistic environment, I crushed beneath that load! I simply could not fulfill those demands and in my desperation, I began believing a lie that God was displeased with me and that somehow I was now separated from His love. I also felt that every detail of my life was being controlled by someone else; consequently, I felt I had to control something! Unconsciously, I found that control (or so I thought) in my eating. It began very innocently, but as I began to lose more and more weight, I began to feel great satisfaction in it.
How would you describe your relationship to the Lord at the time of anorexia’s onset?
I had never been as close to the Lord as I was then! 2 Corinthians 12: 3 says, “Just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ.” That describes exactly what happened! It all started by accepting the enemy’s lies as truth rather than “taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:3-5)
What was the turning point for you?
After 2 years had passed, I became more and more desperate. Finally, I cried out to the Lord and asked Him to somehow intervene and change the circumstances of my life that week; if He didn’t, I knew I could not go on!!
What happened?
That week exactly the director of the show choir was terminated from the college program! So I returned immediately to my hometown and within weeks was attending a college there. Even though these events were very upsetting, somehow I knew that God had heard my prayer! In addition, just a few months later, Karen Carpenter, a very popular singer died of anorexia! This was 1983 and there was not a common knowledge of eating disorders as there are now. As I read about Karen’s death, I was shaken back to reality…the reality that I would DIE unless my life dramatically changed. I came to realize that God had plans to give me a future and a hope! He had not planned for my destruction! (Jer.29:11) Yet in His wisdom and sovereignty, He allowed anorexia to touch me “to conform me to the image of Jesus (Ro.8:29), to purify me (I Pet1:6-8), to test my faith and to produce in me the quality of endurance (Jas.1:2-4) and to introduce me to His mighty strength as I acknowledged my utter weakness (2 Cor.12:9).
What has been most helpful to you in your recovering from anorexia?
“He sent His Word and healed me and delivered me from all my destructions.” (Psalms l07: 20)) Once I began saturating my heart and mind with the transforming truths of God’s Word, I was then able to more readily recognize the enemy’s lies. Passionately, I began seeking His heart on the purpose for my creation, His thoughts towards me as well as His purposes for my suffering. As I began to grasp the magnificence of His character and His incredible mercy in choosing me, I discovered more and more those ugly roots of pride, unbelief, self sufficiency, bitterness and the fear of man. This was the perfect environment for perfectionism and all its’ “manifestations” (ie. anorexia) to thrive! But once these roots were exposed and properly dealt with, God slowly brought more and more freedom.
God has promised He will not allow us to “be tempted beyond what we are able” (I Cor. 10:13). Undoubtedly, this has been the most painful process for me. Yes, there were times I thought my heart would never be mended. Yet, I promise you, my friend, as you cooperate and respond to Him in obedience and faith, He will be faithful to complete the work He has started in you! (Phil.1:6) What He has done for me, He will do for you! And through this pain, I can say that I have come to know Him more intimately. I have experienced His “resurrection power” in victory over my anorexia! And that is THE purpose for which we were created…to know Him! May you continue to “press on toward the goal of the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (Phil.3:14)
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